May You Dance in the Rainbow

My marriage never reached its potential because – we took that road into the future with no real understanding of what it took to actually make marriage work. 

And so whenever I offer someone congratulations on their engagement -- I am driven by my meddling personality to offer advice. Here’s the latest: Dance in the Rainbow… 

Allow me to explain – A rainbow consists of 7 colors – the ROY G BIV of our high school science classes. If each color represents a different aspect of love… here’s a different way to look at it… You CAN have any of these ‘colors’ separate from each other. You can have them in combination. But to get the full rainbow – you have to include ALL of them. 

RED -- Spending time with each other. 

ORANGE -- Being best friends. 

YELLOW -- Loving someone. 

GREEN -- Being IN love. 

BLUE -- Hugs & Kisses.

 INDIGO -- the physical expression of your love for each other – making love. 

VIOLET –- that’s the spiritual aspect of the two of you coming together. 

 In a rainbow no single color overshadows any other. It's a balance. Oh and just in case you didn't know it’s a whole lot easier to work from the red down to the violet. [This is known as an upside down rainbow.] 

 Have I ever experienced the full rainbow? Nope. But I firmly believe that it is possible to dance in the rainbow with my Beloved – whoever he is. 

And so I’m learning to dance by myself – learning to love who I am right now. Letting go of the stuff that doesn’t serve me any longer. Creating a future that will keep my nimble mind entertained for a while - a future that I can grow into. So if you are recently engaged – congratulations. 

I hope you get to dance in the rainbow with YOUR beloved. 

*** Hugs *** 

Gayle

Lesson learned over a Christmas Ornament

 Today, as I worked, a guest came to me asking where he could find a Lenox Christmas Ornament. You know the kind - they're made by the Lenox China Company. 

I gave him a suggestion and then said "If they don't have it, unfortunately you're going to have to go to the mall. To Nordstroms or Dillards [who both have fine china departments.]" 

Normally this is not a big deal... 

But at 2 days before Christmas - it is a very big deal. Parking is at a premium... babies are screaming. Mom's are grumpy. Husbands are frantically choosing last minute gifts. Cashiers and staff are overwhelmed. And in general shopping this time of year is... well - not MY favorite activity. 

 His response - "No problem. She's worth it." And his face held a soft smile that reached his alert eyes. I could feel the love from my side of the desk. 

 And I realized that this delightful man meant it. It meant that he would do what it took to find a gift that would be extra special for the woman he loves. 

 A friend has been trying to teach me this for the last year. That when you love someone - you put extra effort into giving them gifts that will mean something to THEM. And if it means that you have to get a little uncomfortable - that's what it means. 

 I've always done it for my family and my friends, but have never had anyone do it for me. 

And I vicariously got a taste of how it would feel to have someone do that for me. Something I'm trying to allow into my life. 

I thanked him for the lesson. 

And then he looked at me and said - "You're worth it too."

 I quietly said thank you. And have cried on and off all day. 

Because this is the very first time it has registered with me that -- I am worth it.

You Will See, When You Believe

 We've all used the phrase I'll believe it when I see it... about something that seemed impossible... The problem is - this phrase is actually backwards from how the world actually works. The phrase should be - I'll see it, WHEN I believe it. 

 Do I understand believing the worst in someone? Absolutely. 

For example, I spent years believing that my ex was uncaring. Everything he did or said seemed to support that belief. But when I finally took a mature look at his behavior, I saw a guy trying to move through life, occasionally thoughtless but basically a good guy. What made the difference? My belief in his jerkiness versus his innocence. 

 I have recently been accused by a woman I barely know of trying to poison the mind of my best friend. I admit it, I meddled. In my bumbling/meddlesome way, I was trying to explain to her how to build a mature relationship. She didn't hear me. She only heard that I was not supportive of her immature behaviors. 

And since my friend chose to sever relations with her, she came to the conclusion that I am evil, poisoning the very air with my lies. She sees what she wants to believe. And so every word that comes from my mouth supports that very 'ill-will'. Because it supports her belief that her behaviors had nothing to do with how things turned out. 

 I have for the most part let it all go. I know that this woman is still learning. 

Still caught up in her own story, which allows her to remain a victim and keeps her from learning how to be an adult in an adult relationship. 

 She will learn and grow, or she will end up old and bitter, blaming everyone else for her plight. 

I hope she grows. I shall continue to believe in the inherent good of others, because then I behave in such a way that they rise to the occasion. 

Maybe it is naïve, but I don’t care. I prefer naïveté to bitterness and pessimism. 

 I see what I believe. And I believe that at heart people are loving souls. 

 I believe - and so I see.

I Choose a Life that Compels my Strength

 I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ~Anaïs Nin 

Somewhen a long time ago I saved this quote. I now wish to change it slightly. Now when I read it I substitute the word LIFE for MAN. 

Because in truth, nothing that happens to me is really about anyone else. It's (as a friend used to say)"all about me." And that's the truth of it. I am the one in charge of my life, growth, my future. I could continue to choose to do what I have done in the past - play small. 

What did it get me? 

A boring, if very busy, life. A life that didn't bring the satisfaction of creating extraordinary things (except in the vast quantities of things accomplished). I had been raised with the idea of thinking small, lest I be disappointed when things didn't manifest. And so I was constantly disappointed.

I choose now to move into what I hope will be a demanding life. Requiring me to stretch, grow, learn new skills, and let go of unworkable beliefs about my abilities. This life requires me to be tough - finding the courage within myself to stick with it, even when a part of me is overwhelmed. I choose to keep my inner child close, but to let go of the naivety that has kept me locked into living small. I am not a little girl anymore and it is time I took my place in this life of extraordinary joy. 

BEing in Joy 

 Gayle

Here I get to be Myself

More and more often I find myself coming to this blog, instead of what's supposed to be my 'official writer's blog' to write. 

Maybe because here I get to be myself, without trying to teach, or explain anything other than who I am, and what my journey has been. 

I used to get lost in the gauzy illusion of the world that we have known. And then something shifted and I remembered who I am. Body, heart and soul. 

 I have chopped wood and carried water throughout this entire transformation. (It's a zen thing.) 

And I have gotten on someone else's path, more than once. 

Finding the most extraordinary things out about them and me along the way. Each time returning to my own path. Ooomph. I just wish it weren't over rocks... ugh... through brambles

Flexing my Butterfly Wings

 I am finally done struggling to get out of the cocoon in which I have been wrapped for... a millennium, it seems. 

 I still remember when I thought I was wounded and dying (emotionally anyway). 

I remember not understanding that the caterpillar had to change. Had to. 

 I am still a little sleepy, and am still flexing my wings, preparing to do whatever is needed to shine love out into the world. Comforting those who are still stuck in their cocoons. Encouraging those who are still caterpillars. 

These people are trying to keep their lives so busy that they 'don't have time' for the change that is upon them. And if they're too busy, then it can't possibly happen, right? 

 I try not to laugh too loud. 

There are butterflies who came out of their cocoons before me. They are kindly offering me encouragement. Because they remember the feeling of being unable to fly. 

 And I am grateful for their wisdom.

I Need to Find Music Again

 Tonight I went to the symphony. It was a powerful evening of soaring melodies and intricate harmonies that delighted the ear, and created, well, magic. 

The magic it created was that, as I explained to the friend I went with, I am ready to sing with someone again. Not professionally, but joyfully, expressively, wantonly, with passion. And I don't want to sing alone anymore. 

So I shall go in search of opportunities and people, for I need to find music again. I was a 2nd soprano in a church choir, 25-40 strong, but I grew too liberal for the message and moved on. 

Then I sang with Lois, a talented alto, in a very tiny, very liberal church. We were 2-6 people singing to a guitar and a bass player. And then again I outgrew the messenger, and I moved on. And so now I have no one to sing with. 

My daughter is grown and gone and my son sings dirges, and only dirges. I do not remember teaching them to him, so he must have learned them from somewhere else. But that is not what I want anyway. 

 I want close 2-3 part harmony. I want to learn how to find the harmony inherent within the melody, swapping back and forth so that none of us is stuck always being one of the Pips (as in Gladys Knight and the...) 

My body has nearly forgotten the hours I spent learning fingerpicking, my voice is rusty from disuse, and I never did learn how to play bass clef with my left hand on my piano. But I will find someone(s) to sing with. Tomorrow. No. Today. It is now Friday, and I want to sing. So I shall call Lois and see whether she can spare a couple of hours this weekend to help me find the music again.