Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I Choose a Life that Compels my Strength


 I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ~Anaïs Nin 

Somewhen a long time ago I saved this quote. I now wish to change it slightly. Now when I read it I substitute the word LIFE for MAN. 

Because in truth, nothing that happens to me is really about anyone else. It's (as a friend used to say)"all about me." And that's the truth of it. I am the one in charge of my life, growth, my future. I could continue to choose to do what I have done in the past - play small. 

What did it get me? 

A boring, if very busy, life. A life that didn't bring the satisfaction of creating extraordinary things (except in the vast quantities of things accomplished). I had been raised with the idea of thinking small, lest I be disappointed when things didn't manifest. And so I was constantly disappointed.

I choose now to move into what I hope will be a demanding life. Requiring me to stretch, grow, learn new skills, and let go of unworkable beliefs about my abilities. This life requires me to be tough - finding the courage within myself to stick with it, even when a part of me is overwhelmed. I choose to keep my inner child close, but to let go of the naivety that has kept me locked into living small. I am not a little girl anymore and it is time I took my place in this life of extraordinary joy. 

BEing in Joy 

 Gayle

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Here I get to be Myself


More and more often I find myself coming to this blog, instead of what's supposed to be my 'official writer's blog' to write. 

Maybe because here I get to be myself, without trying to teach, or explain anything other than who I am, and what my journey has been. 

I used to get lost in the gauzy illusion of the world that we have known. And then something shifted and I remembered who I am. Body, heart and soul. 

 I have chopped wood and carried water throughout this entire transformation. (It's a zen thing.) 

And I have gotten on someone else's path, more than once. 

Finding the most extraordinary things out about them and me along the way. Each time returning to my own path. Ooomph. I just wish it weren't over rocks... ugh... through brambles

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Flexing my Butterfly Wings


 I am finally done struggling to get out of the cocoon in which I have been wrapped for... a millennium, it seems. 

 I still remember when I thought I was wounded and dying (emotionally anyway). 

I remember not understanding that the caterpillar had to change. Had to. 

 I am still a little sleepy, and am still flexing my wings, preparing to do whatever is needed to shine love out into the world. Comforting those who are still stuck in their cocoons. Encouraging those who are still caterpillars. 

These people are trying to keep their lives so busy that they 'don't have time' for the change that is upon them. And if they're too busy, then it can't possibly happen, right? 

 I try not to laugh too loud. 

There are butterflies who came out of their cocoons before me. They are kindly offering me encouragement. Because they remember the feeling of being unable to fly. 

 And I am grateful for their wisdom.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I Need to Find Music Again

 Tonight I went to the symphony. It was a powerful evening of soaring melodies and intricate harmonies that delighted the ear, and created, well, magic. 

The magic it created was that, as I explained to the friend I went with, I am ready to sing with someone again. Not professionally, but joyfully, expressively, wantonly, with passion. And I don't want to sing alone anymore. 

So I shall go in search of opportunities and people, for I need to find music again. I was a 2nd soprano in a church choir, 25-40 strong, but I grew too liberal for the message and moved on. 

Then I sang with Lois, a talented alto, in a very tiny, very liberal church. We were 2-6 people singing to a guitar and a bass player. And then again I outgrew the messenger, and I moved on. And so now I have no one to sing with. 

My daughter is grown and gone and my son sings dirges, and only dirges. I do not remember teaching them to him, so he must have learned them from somewhere else. But that is not what I want anyway. 

 I want close 2-3 part harmony. I want to learn how to find the harmony inherent within the melody, swapping back and forth so that none of us is stuck always being one of the Pips (as in Gladys Knight and the...) 

My body has nearly forgotten the hours I spent learning fingerpicking, my voice is rusty from disuse, and I never did learn how to play bass clef with my left hand on my piano. But I will find someone(s) to sing with. Tomorrow. No. Today. It is now Friday, and I want to sing. So I shall call Lois and see whether she can spare a couple of hours this weekend to help me find the music again.