Faithful to Your Journey

Thank you...

2011-09-04T21:23:00.001-07:00

There are times in our lives when we are so close that we can taste it... Whatever "it" is. We can feel success, or love, or the start of a new journey. And it seems just out of our grasp. We get caught up in some struggle to get what we want.

Why?

I don't know. Perhaps because we are impatiently pacing around looking over our shoulder at what we thought we 'wanted'.

Even though something WAY better is on the horizon -- the glory of the sunset or the beauty of the path in front of us.

How do we shift our focus and stop looking in the 'wrong' direction? First and foremost - we have to recognize what we're doing.

We have to stop what we're doing and re-focus on what is really truly important to us.

Friends, family, laughter, love. And we have to spend time appreciating all the wonderful things that we do have in our lives. Warmth, light, the ability to communicate. Smiles that reach our eyes. Pictures of fractals, sweet poetry, a soft warm dog, food in the freezer. Butterflies. Laughing children. Clean water, coffee.

Music, and the ears to hear it with. Imagination. And friends to love. Knowing that there is enough in this world that is glorious, and we only have to really look at it and spend time appreciating it's presence in our life.

And so, my friends, tonight, allow me to say - thank you for being here. Thank you for listening and for reading. Thank you for loving and laughing. Thank you for being part of my life. For you are well and truly loved.

Thank you - Just Thank You.

I was Busy Living

2011-08-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

I have had the most incredible journey in the last two years. And I dreamed it all into being.

I have published my first book. (Order your copies on the right.) I have written my second novel. And discovered why my 1st didn't sell (I write a whole lot better now - so back to the editing room for Forest of Mists). I have the most incredible illustrated children's book that I will see published, in September I think.

I have met strangers that I turned into best friends. I have discovered the joy of having a squirmy puppy sleeping with me, that turned into a squirmy huge dog with the biggest feet I've ever seen. And is still fun to sleep with.

I have traveled extensively. I've had the pleasure of staying in one place long enough to really fall in love with it. I discovered that as much as I like the maid service of a hotel - having access to a kitchen of "my own," and a coffee pot has made everything easier. And I fell in love with the awesome public transit systems that they have in Europe.

I have moved beyond the housewife I used to be - into a woman who hobnobs with the "big dogs." And I surprised myself - by enjoying it. And I realize that although I love traveling 1st class, I also love riding the bus and finding a small hotel where the carpet is worn, but the service is better than any 5 star hotel I've ever been in (the Hotel am-Lerchenberg-Mainz Germany in case you wanted to know).

I have experienced the chill of the English Channel. And the excitement of really putting the peddle to the metal on the Autobahn. I loved the glory of getting there in 1/2 the time and am now experiencing the pleasure involved in being able to enjoy the scenery. I discovered the glory of German farmers' markets. The glory of the flowers is a memory I shall cherish.

I've wandered one of the smaller Canadian forests, and seen the reddest sunset over Lake Ontario. I have learned how to take really good photos of both.

I have experienced customs/immigration officers who were curious about me and my life of travel, and those who wanted me to be curious about theirs.

I loved it that my imagination took random events - such as 3 identical cars, teenagers zipping through traffic on their motorcycles, and a do-dad thrown out the window and created an exciting mystery about them - a cozy thriller full of a Robin Hood type theft, high speed chases and time travel. And as soon as I finish editing the novel I'm on - I'll write that story down.

I have discovered that I can still learn new things. And that it's both easier and harder than it was 30 years ago. But that it definitely means more. I have finally found something that brings many of my quirky hobbies into one place, using the knowledge I have, and building on it.

I have discovered the blessings of having more than one best friend. And seen my children for the bright, charming young people that they are. I have learned that you can have a fight with someone you love, and that even though it feels bad to fight you fix whatever needs fixing. And through it all you can still love and be loved.

I have seen one 'dream' of mine after another come to life. All while I wasn't even watching, I was busy living.

Dance. Just Dance

2011-08-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

Years ago I foolishly came to believe that making a mistake (and admitting it) made me ... less than.

I don't remember when that belief came to be. Probably in my teens. By the time I got to college and somehow I had to be 'perfect'. Which really... is impossible. But I tried. Oh I tried.

I think this is why I never had an opportunity to dance with anyone else and have spent my life dancing by myself. What I realized last night as a new friend came into my life was that I'm terrified of making mistakes in someone's arms.

Last night I figured out that I have to let go of my need to control, and let go my knowledge of rhythm and music. Because the woman must surrender to whatever rhythm her partner is feeling and transmitting, even if it is different from the music she hears. Otherwise you're just two people awkwardly shuffling your feet.

There are places, times, and tasks where I can, and do, lead. But the dance floor isn't one of them.

I don't want to be 'taught' how to dance with a partner. Because that keeps the understanding up 'in my head,' not allowing it to embed itself into the fibers of my being.

When the opportunity presents itself I will ask you to dance with me. Not to teach me. Just to dance with me. To accept that in the beginning our movements may not be an intricate woven series of steps.

And so, I ask forgiveness in advance for stepping on your toes, bumping heads, or just plain clumsiness, as I release my need for control and learn to Listen.

g

Dreams Come a Size Too Big....

2011-05-31T17:15:00.001-07:00

Dreams are an interesting thing. And I've learned a whole lot in the last two years about them. Stuff the rest of you probably learned at your parents' knees. But I didn't. My folks didn't have dreams that they ever talked about. They just put one foot in front of another - getting through each day.

As you actually work toward your dream - sometimes - it's really hard work - pushing you WAY past your comfort zone. Way out of laziness, way into the place where you start to think "I don't really want this after all..."

But the reality is... you and your dream are perfectly suited for each other - otherwise you wouldn't have had THAT dream. The only problem... you haven't grown into the person who can actually make it happen.

Ask any toddler - growing is an achy process. Things stretch, you get clumsy, sleep is disturbed, and sometimes you can't do anything but cry (ok that's me...)

But when you finally get past the learning and to the doing of your dream... you look back and say "WOW - I did it. What next?"

Is this good? Is it bad? I don't know. I like doing things. AND I like just hanging out - living, breathing, enjoying. AND I like the two things to balance.

Does that affect my dreams? YES.

I'm learning to dream about time and space to just BE. And in the process I'm learning how to receive. Sometimes easier said than done. But it's part of the process of becoming who I want to BE.

I know that I'm going to laugh, cry, dance, hug, learn, struggle, surrender, play, work, live and love throughout the process. Because life is not so much about getting to the degree, finished project, or through some hardship... it is about being aware and awake while I'm living - as I go through it.

Gayle

May You Dance in the Rainbow

2011-02-24T14:32:00.000-08:00

My marriage never reached its potential because – we took that road into the future with no real understanding of what it took to actually make marriage work.

And so whever I offer someone congratulations on their engagement -- I am driven by my meddling personality to offer advice. Here’s the latest:

Dance in the Rainbow…

Allow me to explain – A rainbow consists of 7 colors – the ROY G BIV of our high school science classes. If each color represents a different aspect of love… here’s a different way to look at it… You CAN have any of these ‘colors’ separate from each other. You can have them in combination. But to get the full rainbow – you have to include ALL of them.

RED -- Spending time with each other.
ORANGE -- Being best friends.
YELLOW -- Loving someone.
GREEN -- Being IN love.
BLUE -- Hugs & Kisses.
INDIGO -- the physical expression of your love for each other – making love.
VIOLET –- that’s the spiritual aspect of the two of you coming together.

In a rainbow no single color overshadows any other. It's a balance. Oh and just in case you didn't know it’s a whole lot easier to work from the red down to the violet. [This is known as an upside down rainbow.]

Have I ever experienced the full rainbow? Nope. But I firmly believe that it is possible to dance in the rainbow with my Beloved – whoever he is.

And so I’m learning to dance by myself – learning to love who I am right now. Letting go of the stuff that doesn’t serve me any longer. Creating a future that will keep my nimble mind entertained for a while - a future that I can grow into.

So if you are recently engaged – congratulations. I hope you get to dance in the rainbow with YOUR beloved.

*** Hugs ***

Gayle

Lesson learned over a Christmas Ornament

2010-12-22T19:42:00.000-08:00

Today, as I worked, a guest came to me asking where he could find a Lenox Christmas Ornament. You know the kind - they're made by the Lenox China Company. I gave him a suggestion and then said "If they don't have it, unfortunately you're going to have to go to the mall. To Nordstroms or Dillards [who both have fine china departments.]"

Normally this is not a big deal... But at 2 days before Christmas - it is a very big deal. Parking is at a premium... babies are screaming. Mom's are grumpy. Husbands are frantically choosing last minute gifts. Cashiers and staff are overwhelmed. And in general shopping this time of year is... well - not MY favorite activity.

His response - "No problem. She's worth it." And his face held a soft smile that reached his alert eyes. I could feel the love from my side of the desk.

And I realized that this delightful man meant it. It meant that he would do what it took to find a gift that would be extra special for the woman he loves.

A friend has been trying to teach me this for the last year. That when you love someone - you put extra effort into giving them gifts that will mean something to THEM. And if it means that you have to get a little uncomfortable - that's what it means. I've always done it for my family and my friends, but have never had anyone do it for me. And I vicariously got a taste of how it would feel to have someone do that for me. Something I'm trying to allow into my life. I thanked him for the lesson.

And then he looked at me and said - "You're worth it too."

I quietly said thank you. And have cried on and off all day. Because this is the very first time it has registered with me that -- I am worth it.

You Will See, When You Believe

2010-04-04T12:34:00.000-07:00

We've all used the phrase I'll believe it when I see it... about something that seemed impossible... The problem is - this phrase is actually backwards from how the world actually works.

The phrase should be - I'll see it, WHEN I believe it.

Do I understand believing the worst in someone? Absolutely. For example, I spent years believing that my ex was uncaring. Everything he did or said seemed to support that belief. But when I finally took a mature look at his behavior, I saw a guy trying to move through life, occasionally thoughtless but basically a good guy. What made the difference? My belief in his jerkiness versus his innocence.

I have recently been accused by a woman I barely know of trying to poison the mind of my best friend. I admit it, I meddled. In my bumbling/meddlesome way, I was trying to explain to her how to build a mature relationship.

She didn't hear me. She only heard that I was not supportive of her immature behaviors. And since my friend chose to sever relations with her, she came to the conclusion that I am evil, poisoning the very air with my lies.

She sees what she wants to believe. And so every word that comes from my mouth supports that very 'ill-will'. Because it supports her belief that her behaviors had nothing to do with how things turned out.

I have for the most part let it all go. I know that this woman is still learning. Still caught up in her own story, which allows her to remain a victim and keeps her from learning how to be an adult in an adult relationship. She will learn and grow, or she will end up old and bitter, blaming everyone else for her plight. I hope she grows.

I shall continue to believe in the inherent good of others, because then I behave in such a way that they rise to the occasion. Maybe it is naïve, but I don’t care. I prefer naïveté to bitterness and pessimism.

I see what I believe. And I believe that at heart people are loving souls.

I believe - and so I see.

I Choose a Life that Compels my Strength

2009-07-14T06:52:00.000-07:00

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ~Anaïs Nin

Somewhen a long time ago I saved this quote. I now wish to change it slightly. Now when I read it I substitute the word LIFE for MAN. Because in truth, nothing that happens to me is really about anyone else. It's (as a friend used to say)"all about me." And that's the truth of it.

I am the one in charge of my life, growth, my future.

I could continue to choose to do what I have done in the past - play small. What did it get me? A boring, if very busy, life. A life that didn't bring the satisfaction of creating extraordinary things (except in the vast quantities of things accomplished). I had been raised with the idea of thinking small, lest I be disappointed when things didn't manifest. And so I was constantly disappointed.

I choose now to move into what I hope will be a demanding life. Requiring me to stretch, grow, learn new skills, and let go of unworkable beliefs about my abilities. This life requires me to be tough - finding the courage within myself to stick with it, even when a part of me is overwhelmed.

I choose to keep my inner child close, but to let go of the naivety that has kept me locked into living small. I am not a little girl anymore and it is time I took my place in this life of extraordinary joy.

BEing in Joy

Gayle

Here I get to be Myself

2009-07-05T15:52:00.001-07:00

More and more often I find myself coming to this blog, instead of what's supposed to be my 'official writer's blog' to write. Maybe because here I get to be myself, without trying to teach, or explain anything other than who I am, and what my journey has been.

I used to get lost in the gauzy illusion of the world that we have known. And then something shifted and I remembered who I am. Body, heart and soul.

I have chopped wood and carried water throughout this entire transformation. (It's a zen thing.) And I have gotten on someone else's path, more than once. Finding the most extraordinary things out about them and me along the way. Each time returning to my own path.

Ooomph. I just wish it weren't over rocks... ugh... through brambles

Flexing my Butterfly Wings

2009-06-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

I am finally done struggling to get out of the cocoon in which I have been wrapped for... a millennium, it seems.

I still remember when I thought I was wounded and dying (emotionally anyway). And I still remember not understanding that the caterpillar had to change. Had to.

I am still a little sleepy, and am still flexing my wings, preparing to do whatever is needed to shine love out into the world. Comforting those who are still stuck in their cocoons. Encouraging those who are still caterpillars.

These people are trying to keep their lives so busy that they 'don't have time' for the change that is upon them. And if they're too busy, then it can't possibly happen, right?

I try not to laugh too loud.

There are butterflies who came out of their cocoons before me. They are kindly offering me encouragement. Because they remember the feeling of being unable to fly.

And I am grateful for their wisdom.

I Need to Find Music Again

2009-06-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went to the symphony. It was a powerful evening of soaring melodies and intricate harmonies that delighted the ear, and created, well, magic.

The magic it created was that, as I explained to the friend I went with, I am ready to sing with someone again. Not professionally, but joyfully, expressively, wantonly, with passion. And I don't want to sing alone anymore. So I shall go in search of opportunities and people, for I need to find music again.

I was a 2nd soprano in a church choir, 25-40 strong, but I grew too liberal for the message and moved on. Then I sang with Lois, a talented alto, in a very tiny, very liberal church. We were 2-6 people singing to a guitar and a bass player. And then again I outgrew the message, and I moved on.

And so now I have no one to sing with. My daughter is grown and gone and my son sings dirges, and only dirges. I do not remember teaching them to him, so he must have learned them from somewhere else. But that is not what I want anyway.

I want close 2-3 part harmony. I want to learn how to find the harmony inherent within the melody, swapping back and forth so that none of us is stuck always being one of the Pips (as in Gladys Knight and the...)

My body has nearly forgotten the hours I spent learning fingerpicking, my voice is rusty from disuse, and I never did learn how to play bass clef with my left hand on my piano. But I will find someone(s) to sing with. Tomorrow.

No. Today. It is now Friday, and I want to sing. So I shall call Lois and see whether she can spare a couple of hours this weekend to help me find the music again.

I am a leader

2008-04-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

I went to a retreat this weekend, and discovered things about myself. I am a surprisingly good leader. Why is that so surprising to me?

I've spent my whole life living small. I have never really wanted to be the 'president' of any organization that I have been in.

I've always thought of myself as a follower. Following other people, making them look good. I didn't want the leadership role. Mostly because it means that the 'buck stops here.'

But in truth, I have always taken on a large amount of responsibility for whatever group I'm in. I have always led. I just didn't know it. And the buck has always stopped here. Because if I don't accept responsibility - who will? Usually nobody.

I'm the one people come to when they don't know where else to turn. Because I will get it done, and if the project needs more than one pair of hands, I know how to get people to work together to "git 'er done."

It's time for me to accept the title of Leader (especially since I've nearly always accepted the responsibility that goes with it.)

We shall see how my life will change with this shift in perception. Wish me luck.

In Joy
Gayle McCain

Someone who shares my dream.

2008-03-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

Today I am going to tell you about a movie. The Movie was released to theaters sometime around 1983. It broke my heart, and started a dream. At the time I'd been married 3 years and I could not write. At all. Bright, articulate vocally, but NOT IN PRINT. And then I saw this movie.

AMERICAN DREAMER
A 'perfect' housewife enters a writing contest, completing the final chapter of her favorite author's latest Rebecca Ryan romance novel. She wins a trip for 2 to Paris. Her husband, a man who doesn't have a romantic bone in his body coldly tells her he simply cannot take the time off, and so she cannot go to Paris. She goes anyway. By herself, gets mugged and develops amnesia.

We follow our heroine through her adventures - she thinks she's the main character in her book, meets and falls in love with the author of these novels (our hero). Eventually she comes out of her amnesia, only to discover that she's married to .... ick. Realizing that her marriage sucks, she leaves him, ends up with the author, and the adventures continue.

The ending of the movie is my favorite part.

The scene is a wood paneled room, with cozy chairs, a fire in the fireplace. Our heroine has married the hero and her two sons now live with them. She is reading to the boys before bedtime. Reading the latest adventures of the Rebecca Ryan, in the adventures that our two lovers just shared. The novel that they wrote together.

Here's where my life's dream started.

I realized that in 1983, I saw that ending, and fell in love with the idea of a life with a loving husband who is also my writing partner. Apparently I wanted it bad enough to learn to write.

So now, I simply need to finalize my divorce from a man with very very different dreams. And write enough to attract someone who shares my dream too.

In Joy
gayle

by the way - it's a great movie.

A complete work of Fantasy

2008-03-24T17:51:00.000-07:00

A year ago something changed profoundly in me. I was writing a story in which I was supposed to develop the love relationship between two characters. When telling a friend about this - he said "Ah, so it's a complete work of Fantasy." And I realized that he was exactly right. I knew nothing about the kind of love that occurs between real people.

Not knowing what else to do (being in the midst of a divorce and all), I called 2 of my closest friends and asked them to talk to me - for the sake of my book - about what made their partnerships great. Both of them agreed. And these wonderful women opened their marriages in all their glory.

One woman had been married for more than 30 years when her husband died two years ago of cancer. The other has been married for 8 years to a man who still seems like Prince Charming. I spent hours and hours with these two women understanding the good and the bad of their relationships. But mostly talking about what made them work. The younger woman's husband called while we were talking, and he spent a long time on the phone with me. The older woman told me later that our conversation was tremendously healing for her, because it helped her remember all of the wonderful things about her late husband, easing her grief.

These wonderful friends bravely answered the sometimes uncomfortable questions honestly, helping me to understand where my marriage had gone wrong. And hopefully helping me to see what I could change about my expectations and behaviors when I begin a new relationship.

The most important thing I learned:

Respect - meaning I respect you enough to allow you to be yourself, to have your own interests, and needs. And you respect me enough to do the same.

Respect - meaning we love each other enough to really want to spend time together, sometimes doing your stuff, sometimes mine, and as often as possible - ours.

Respect - meaning welove and trust each other enough to spend time separately doing our own things.

Respect - meaning when we have a disagreement - if you feel stronger about an issue than I do - we do it your way. And vice versa. But that cannot happen if there's no respect.

There were more things that I learned during those conversations. But that one stuck in my mind, because I think that's the one that contributed most heavily to the downfall of my own marriage.

Ah but again - I digress. This started out talking about my Fantasy book, and there it shall end - or is it a beginning? I am still working on the story line. I do not yet know where the tale will take me, and apparently it is not yet time. So I shall patiently write bits and pieces of my characters - knowing that in the end they will get together, or they won't. But when it is written it will be a story of multi-dimensions, instead of cardboard cartoon characters.

So dear friends, I thank you for your honesty. And caring.

In Joy
Gayle McCain

Leaders and Followers

2008-03-09T15:49:00.000-07:00

Today I was in a meeting. It was a meeting designed to figure out where we wanted our organization to go. When we sat down, I thought I didn't have anything to say. I like where we're headed. I'm satisfied. And don't see any real problems.

That kind of vision isn't my strong suit, and I didn't think that I had anything to say.

What I discovered is that although I don't see the vision the way others do, I do see logistical issues. The kind that shows that if we move this furniture to over there - the traffic will flow much better. Or if we change this procedure, the confusion will go down, and the work will be easier.

As I sit here I am reminded of a speech given by my friend about Leadership and Followership. And that it takes both to make an organization run smoothly. By opening up and suggesting these changes I became a good follower. And that is a necessary part of any organization.

I may never have the kind of vision to be president of our organization, but my voice and my ideas are critical to its success.

I wanna learn from my mistakes

2008-03-06T20:13:00.000-08:00

I came across this a couple of weeks ago and wanted to share it with you. It speaks to my heart.

It is on the blog of Laurie Knight - she is a Singer with a passion for helping children heal.

These are great song lyrics :) Song #1 on "Call it a Feeling" Laurie's Debut Album. The song was written by Larry Wayne Clark/ Cathy Anne McClintock. "When making your choices everyday..... Think of these lyrics :)"

I wanna learn from my mistakes
I wanna give back what I take
I wanna be there for my friends
I wanna always make amends
I wanna live like that

I wanna laugh right out loud
I wanna make my mama proud
I wanna have the strength to cry
I wanna always wonder why
I wanna live like that

I wanna love that way
I don't wanna be afraid
Open Up my heart
Cherish Everyday
With every breath I take
I wanna live that way

I wanna be heard when I pray
I wanna slow dance in the rain
I wanna love and be loved back
Lose my way without a map
I wanna live like that

I wanna love that way
I don't wanna be afraid
Open Up my heart
Cherish Everyday
With every breath I take
I wanna live that way

I wanna walk where things grow wild
I wanna see my baby smile
I wanna grow old gracefully
gather shells beside the sea
I wanna live like that!!

If you want more information - please go to Laurie Knight's blog

http://organizesimplifyenjoy.blogspot.com/

enjoy being in Joy
Gayle

Admitting the TRUTH - Specialization is for insects.

2008-02-12T06:09:00.001-08:00

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog,* conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." Robert Heinlein

*[let me just say -Butcher a hog - ick]

I read that in my early adulthood, and loved it. It spoke directly to my heart. But in spite of the KNOWING that I was a generalist, for years I've been trying to fit my round self into a square idea of who I should be. It hasn't worked.

Everyone, and I do mean everyone-including me, has told me to specialize. Grrrrr . Specializing, I was told, is the only to get a job (the square hole) and thus an income. In other words, sell myself out to fit into an employer's idea of what I should be. This may be possible for others to do without feeling like a mummy wrapped in the gauze of "shoulds'" and "aught to's". But every time I tried, my heart would end up feeling squeezed, my blood pressure would rise, and I'd end up with an ulcer. And to top it off I'd feel I was being choked.

Surely there must be a better way. I've always been a Jack-of-All-Trades and been proud to be so.

And so when a friend recommended that I start a blog, because well - it's time - she suggested that I specialize. The Easy specialty: parenting. Before she could start the next sentence, I could feel my heart squeezing. The image in my mind was a mule puling back on it's reins as hard as she was pulling forward. (And I'm the mule.) However, because I believe that her idea of creating a blog is a good one, it is my job to figure out what that means for ME.

And so after much thought, many deletions, cutting and pasting here we are:

This blog will be a travelogue of how I came to be me, how I look at the world, and accepting that this will work and work well if as I talk to myself I can be faithful to my journey. And hopefully as you read my words, you will know that your happiness is only there when You, my reader, are FAITHFUL TO YOUR JOURNEY.